sometimes, flying’s easier than falling

It’s 1:20 a.m. and our whole department’s still here.

About two hours ago, Jacs posted a link toward a preview of a yet-unaired Glee song “Defying Gravity”.  At this moment, I must say it hits my spot perfectly.

Here’s for all those who choose to lose because “if that’s love  — It comes at much too high a cost!”

 

 

Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It’s time to try
Defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I’m through accepting limits
”cause someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I’ll never know!
Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And never bring me down!
bring me down!
ohh ohhh ohhhh!

 

OPM, you speak to me

Minsan, enjoy ding mag-emo.

Yung para ka ulit nasa high school. Upo sa tabi ng kalsada pag gabi.  Secret messages sa mga sinasabi.  Grabeng drama about the slightest things…

At syempre, mga kantang feeling mo ginawa para sayo.

For some reason, dumadami ang online kong pasyente nitong mga nakaraang araw.  May nagsabi na dati na ako daw ang kanilang online psychologist — pinagandang pangalan para sa glorified hingahan ng sama ng loob through instant messenger. Oks lang, basta nakakatulong.

Anyway, eto ang isa sa mga nakausap ko:

I still care, she said.

But what good would that do?  She cares – while I love her with a passion that made the gods themselves envious.  She cares.  I appreciate the gesture, but it kills me that she doesn’t feel the same.

Heto pa:

See, this is what I hate.  I’m fine, then I do something good, or think of something smart.  Instead of feeling good about myself, my mind screams — “you think you’re good?  So bakit di ka nya mahal?

I wonder how long I can keep asking this question before I begin hating myself.

I’ve been there, so I know their pain.  Hay.

(ambient noise: Sugarfree’s Burnout)

O, wag kang tumingin ng ganyan sa akin
‘Wag mo akong kulitin, ‘wag mo akong tanungin
Dahil katulad mo, ako rin ay nagbago
‘Di na tayo tulad ng dati, kay bilis ng sandali

CHORUS
O, kay tagal din kitang minahal

Kung iisipin mo, ‘di naman dati ganito
Teka muna, teka lang, kelan tayo nailang?
Kung iisipin mo, ‘di naman dati ganito
Kay bilis kasi ng buhay, pati tayo natangay

[Repeat CHORUS]

Tinatawag kita, sinusuyo kita
‘Di mo man marinig, ‘di mo man madama

O, kay tagal din kitang mamahalin

kay pat*, sa iyong pag-iisa

i miss her a lot. ang hirap. wala kaming contact, pero alam mo yon… nasanay lang siguro ako na andyan siya lagi. and it’s killing me that she’s not feeling the same.

i just… want my friend back.

If there are those who say that what you’re feeling is adolescent or “for telenovelas”, they are idiots.

It’s simple enough: you build dreams, your life around a person — then suddenly, with no way whatsoever of making sense how it happened, she’s gone.

Mayhap it is a cliche, but that doesn’t make it untrue.  The world turns gray and you are left with a bitterness so vile  it blackens your tongue, but doesn’t deaden your heart.

No, never a dead heart.  You feel it every second – that gaping, violent hole that impossibly sucks all energy, all life you have left.  You feel white hot pain one moment and a dark, silent, empty pit the next.

You count the days with activities to push away the silence.  But even that is a lie.  Every activity is a countdown to a moment you dread and look forward to in equal measure: replaying how it felt to touch her face, hearing her barely-contained moan before she groans your name, remembering the moments when there was no doubt that you were known, that you were hers.

you were hers.

Your needs are simplest now. A time machine, so you could go back. Telepathy, so you could reach her. Answers, as to why nothing seems to make sense anymore.

Maybe you could also fall in line at hospitals — who knows, they might be handing out new hearts. Today might be your lucky day.

* not a real name

Review: The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Image from Amazon.com

Category: Books

Genre: Fiction

Author: Mitch Albom

The Five People You Meet in Heaven (let’s call it TFPYMH) is one of those books I will never pick up on my own.   Not that it was badly written — it definitely had its moments.  I guess it’s the readers who usually read these books that I have trouble understanding.  You know the type — they scoff at Scripture for being “old fashioned” and “outdated” yet follow all the latest new age book no matter how flaky.

I thought TFPYMH would be just like those new age books but Albom’s introduction made it clear that he’s not claiming that the heaven he portrays in the book is far from being the true Heaven — just a point-of-view, he almost says.  I like that he presented this up front — not like those who stubbornly maintain that their book is “non-fiction” and that it’s backed up by “research” and that the only reason why their book is in question is because of a “global conspiracy that has endured through history”. Nevermind that scholars from various groups and ideologies have agreed that his claims are rubbish.  After all, an author has to think of sales for the next book — right, Dan Brown?

ANYWAY.  TFPYMH is a story of Eddie — a former soldier/now maintenance man at Ruby’s Pier, an amusement park.  Like most people, Eddie bears a lot of crippling wounds – both physical and those that hurt deeper.  On his 85th (is this right? wait, I don’t have my copy here with me) birthday, Eddie was killed in an accident in one of the park’s rides.  A moment/eternity later, Eddie wakes up in heaven and meets five people who teaches him lessons that will help him “make sense out of his life”.

I liked the “It’s Eddie’s Birthday Today” plot device — although it makes me wonder why my birthdays are never that eventful.  I also liked how Marguerite and Tala were written.  Marguerite was everything that Eddie wanted, and he knew every inch of her.  Tala, on the other hand, was someone Eddie never knew — and was therefore mysterious and mystifying when he met her in heaven.  All in all, The Five People You Meet in Heaven is an enjoyable read, mainly because its main character is so easy to identify with.  I don’t think I have ever known a man who did not question his worth in life.

Unsurprisingly, the idea that heaven is mainly “making sense of your yesteryears” leaves me a bit wanting.  With the idea of God relegated to the most minor of roles in the background, heaven just seemed… well, empty for me.  It would be nice, of course, to make sense of everything that happened to you and understand all the things that troubled you while you were living..

But for me, I know I’d want more than that.  I was created for more than that.

Back at the Cup

Last night, I stood in front of a bunch of young people I don’t know, and told them a story about Jesus.

I haven’t done that in what — a year or so? As I shared with them last night, I haven’t been speaking because 1) I’d like to spare the FullCup admins of the inevitable (but totally unintended) headaches they get when I speak; and 2) I’ve undergone — scratch that, still undergoing — some stuff that makes me unideal to be the person young, impressionable new believers listen to.

But that’s neither here nor there.

It was… painful, but I’m glad I was there.  The material was straightforward and light — a bible story retelling largely borrowed from the reallivepreacher.  It went without a hitch.  I don’t know if the format worked, or if the audience got it, and to be honest, I don’t care all that much.  I’m just too relieved I didn’t puke my guts out while I was there at the front.

I always ask myself how I could help out my church more — how I can be more involved.  (Contrary to what my pastor and my friends think, I actually do want to be involved).  It’s just that the thousand and one ways I think of on how to get involved all require me to care about people.

And I don’t have the heart.